Ney10 [Neymar]: What’s up guys, sorry about the loss in the Clasico. I was watching with my boys from PSG. Nice game, but you were unlucky. Ramos is a diving c**t.
Leo [Messi]: Thx man, was a crap match. Nothing went well. I f***ng knew it…
Ney10: Hei Luis, btw, don’t get me wrong, man, I love you, but when is the last time you scored away in CL? What was it vs Bayern midweek in CL, 0-4? We were looking at the scores in the other games and we were all joking about you, lol.
Jordi [Alba]: I think he scored last year man, vs Slavia.
Leo: That was counted as an own goal. He scored a season before vs United in England with a header.
Jordi: I think that was an own goal as well…
Luis [Suarez]: Very funny guys… stop that s**t. I scored vs Roma, in 2017.
Ney10: Roma? You lost 0-3 dude.
Luis: Was the year before.
Leo: I remember now. It was in 2016 I think, not 2017. 1-1, when Florenzi scored that goal from the halfway line. Remember how much fun we made of Stegen for that goal… Jajaja…
Ney10: I remember too now. That shouldn’t even count though. It was impossible to miss.
Luis: So what guys, I caused 2 own goals vs United and Slavia. That surely adds to 1 away goal. 0.5 + 0.5 = 1 goal. Right?
Ney10: But you also stopped a goal vs Bayern last week, by having your fatty a** offside. So, 2 own goals caused – 1 goal stopped = zero goals.
Luis: What about the Bayern goal when I folded Boateng like an armchair? After I caused another own goal by Alaba. That’s 1.5 again, right?
Leo: Technically, that’s not an away match, Luis. No fans and it was on neutral ground, not on Allianz.
Jordi: Plus, I demand a .25 share for that own goal. It was my cross that caused it…
Ney10: Don’t be a pu**y Jordi…
Luis: Guys, stop messing with me. I’m in 2nd place with 1 game less in La Liga. 0 defeats. You guys lost again to fu***ng United in CL, and you guys are sitting in 11th place after I left. I should be the one making fun of you, LOL. Btw, Ney, it seems PSG are the only team in Europe to get beaten at home by both the seniors and the juniors of this crap United team. How can you lose again at home?
Ney10: Two words. Group stages man. I know you guys think CL ends at Group Stages, but we at PSG are used to play finals lately. We don’t get all wet for a Group Stage win or loss. But enough with that, it’s all banter right, we’re still friends.
Leo: Yea, still amigos. All amigos are busting each others’ balls from time to time. We’re blowing off steam. But it’s true, Ney, PSG are s**t.
Ney10: But what happens at Barca man, never saw you so ignored by the younger chaps. There’s that kid with a name like some Indian dish, forgot his name…
Jordi: Ansu Fati…
Ney10: That’s right, him. He was just ignoring you time after time. How can you let that slide?
Leo: It’s s**t man, I know. But, here’s the thing. Back in the day, I used to have Luis yelling at them and calling them names like “cagon”, his favorite curse. And then if they still disobeyed me, I’d have Vidal give them that mean Mr. T look of his and they’d get in line immediately. Now, there’s no one left to keep them in line. So they give me s**t.
Ney10: What are you talking about. You still have some Amigos left, like Jordi right here, and Geri.
Leo: F**k that, no offense to Jordi, I love him. But nobody takes him seriously with that girly voice of him. Everyone makes fun of him when he tries to act all tough and macho because they know he’s soft as a daisy. They always remind him of that video at half time with Liverpool when he was sobbing like a little girl.
Jordi: Not cool man. Totally not cool.
Luis: Guys, thanks for the nice words. I always believed you have to lead by being a leader. And leaders are also feared. That’s the truth.
Ney10: How about Koeman, what’s he like? He’s he as braindead as Tuchel? We carry his a** every game. He’s always asking us how to play lol. I and Kylian tell him all the time. Give us the ball and keep things tight behind us. Always works. Like you guys did under EV. Almost won a treble that way…
Leo: Don’t even get me started… still miss that guy. We talk with each other regularly through WhatsApp. Maybe we should invite him to this group. I always complain to him that this Koeman dude makes us run too much. And he is the only one that understands that running more doesn’t mean you play better. It’s like he said, fitness is overrated. This is not Mr. Olympia.
Ney10: But does this Koeman has a plan for the future? No offense, but you guys are playing terrible football.
Leo: He’s clueless, Ney, I swear to God. He’s always asking me what to do. I told him he should have thought about that before he went behind my back and cut my friends from the team. He made his bed, now he will sleep in it. It’s out of my hands. My a** is gone in the summer and he can sort out the mess. If he’s not sacked by then Jajaja… I always remind him about that in training sessions. Like I did with that other idiot, Tata.
Ney10: You’re still funny. People say Geri is the funniest in the team, but I always thought you are.
Jordi: I’m pretty funny too…
Ney10: No, man, you look funny, that’s all, lol. You look like that Duracell bunny in those commercials. Ok. I need to go now. Everything else fine, in your families? With the fans and all. I know we haven’t spoken in a while, but maybe we get together for a poker game or smth.
Leo: I have some issues with some haters and stalkers. I don’t care that much about haters, f**k ’em, if you can’t be like me, then, of course, you hate me. And I think Griezmann is trolling me online to take revenge because he can’t play in my position.
Ney10: How so? What happened?
Leo: There’s some fan online, Antoine… something. Some French nickname that is sending me at least 5 messages a day. Telling me he loves me and things like that.
Ney10: Is he dangerous? If not, ignore him. I always do that with crazy fans…
Leo: Nah, man, he’s not dangerous. And there’s another one, Messigian or something, who also sends me a lot of messages. He keeps mentioning Valverde in all messages for some reason. Like how I was much better under him, that we should both join the same club in the summer and reunite the incredible duo. He is sure I will win another Ballon d’Or with him. He even asked me to give him Ernesto’s phone number because he is a huge fan. Even named his dog Ernesto he said.
Ney10: Hahahahaha, that’s incredible. Some guy stalking Messi online only to get closer to Ernesto f****ng Valverde. Now I’ve heard it all. Lol.
Leo: I know, I even read some of these emails to Anto. Cracks her up every time. She makes fun of me saying how I’m not as popular as Valverde.
Luis: OK guys, gotta go. See you.
Ney10: Score that away goal Luis. You better have it next time we talk. You’re making me look bad because I’m your friend. And I don’t befriend losers. Even Coutinho makes fun of you in Brazil training. He says he has more away goals than you for Barca because he scored vs Tottenham on Wembley.
Leo: Haha, he’s right. I’m off.
Jordi: See you guys.
Luis: Hey… that’s not fair. Guys?… Let me explain… Guys???